a year in the gym

1. Diagnostic Tools

Session 1.   Showing up.

The Mental space…of wanting it.  

Therapists won’t save your marriage.

Financial advisors won’t make you wealthy.

A trainer won’t make you healthy.

At the end of the day, you have to make the choice.

Our purpose. the plan. our people.

Investigation 2.  The Big 5.

Enter Personality Tests to enter ourselves.

The research has distilled 5 traits, or dimensions, of human personality that are empirically distinguishable from each other.  The Big 5 or OCEAN test is the most science-backed of all personality tests.

You get to take it today! 

Warm-up 3.  The Big 5 unpacked.

“The most difficult thing in life is to know yourself.”- Thales. 

We are starting with personality tests as a gentle way into a much deeper investigation of ourselves. Think of these beginning sessions as a warm-up before the real practice starts.

Investigation 4.   The Enneagram

The Enneagram is our second favorite personality test to help people develop the kind of self-knowledge they need to understand who they are and why they see and relate to the world the way they do.

Warm-up 5.   The Enneagram in Action

What does it mean that you are an 8 and your spouse is a 2?

How do you use this information going forward?

2. Doing the Interior Work

Practice 6.   Family matters.

Family accounts for nature and nurture. Your family gives you not only the genetic make-up that shapes your personality, but your primary social conditioning that further shapes you into the person you are. To better understand yourself you need to better understand your family of origin.

Practice 7.  The elephant and the rider.

We like to think that it is our conscious thinking and rational mind (frontal lobe) that is calling the shots in our life. But scientific studies are increasingly demonstrating that it is our subconscious which speaks through emotions that are the primary forces shaping our beliefs and actions. Imagine our emotional subconscious as an elephant and our rational mind as the rider on that elephant. For the rider to steer the elephant, it needs to appeal to what the elephant desires. To achieve more effective change and experience growth in our lives, learning how to listen to, respect, and re-program our emotional brain through training is the key.

Practice 8.     Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy.

We all carry around a subconscious set of rules around what love and connection feels like. Attachment theory explains how many of these were formed early in life. Emotionally Focused Therapy is about discovering our emotions and choreographing new ways of relating to others and ourselves in order to create deeper relational bonds.

Practice 9.  Why consider Trauma ?

“To move beyond some part of you, you must first get to know it and ultimately befriend it.”  

A look at the trauma grid.  Our trauma is largely relational and as a result healing demands that we learn how to be intimate with one another.

Practice 10.  AI and IQ can’t replace EQ.

Emotional Intelligence is the most underrated form of intelligence there is. Emotions are the language of our subconscious, and our subconscious is driving 95% of our beliefs and actions. So to understand ourselves we really need emotional fluency.  Today we are going to explore the atlas of the heart (thank you brene brown).

Practice 11   You are a reflection (of culture).

We are who we are in large part because of the culture we belong to.

How aware are you of the cultural waters you swim in?

Practice 12.   Loneliness and the friendship recession.

The most meaningful relationships have both transparency and consistency. Not one or the other, but both.  

We will reflect on the quality (depth/intimacy) and quantity of time (consistency) of our friendships.  

Practice 13.   Putting the prefrontal cortex to use.

The gift of Metacognition.

CBT.

The privilege of Agency. With great power comes great responsibility.

Derek Siver’s Formula.

Practice 14.     Esther Perel’s Paradox.

Love and desire, safety and adventure, these human needs run in opposite directions.

Can we have both in the same relationship?

Practice 15.  Don’t run away from the big question.

Purpose or meaning in life matters.

Just because “the meaning of life” question is daunting, doesn’t mean we should run from it.

Game Day 16.  Do you know what you want?

And just as important, “What is Worth Wanting?”  

Take the My Heart’s Desires Quiz.

Desire is a thing of the heart and the imagination. It is itself a pleasure imagined, but can double as an actualized prison if the imagination cannot be exited at will. We can experience desire as gift or prison, and it regularly is the driver of motivation.

Game Day 17.   The intentional life.

Deciding what you want to move towards and what you want to neglect.

Your big assignment: developing your own credo.

3. Solutions Generator

Practice 18.  Here is how I am crazy…

Self-justification is at the root of all our relational and spiritual problems. It is the ultimate tragedy, and tragedy often begets the best comedy. Naming how we are crazy is a humble art form, and learning to regularly practice this kind of vulnerability opens the door to authentic human connection.

Lesson 19.       The purpose of marriage.

Our defense for marriage in the modern era.

We have a profound need to be loved despite our flaws. We were made for strong emotional and relational bonds, a kind of sacred union, and marriage is a unique path to experience this.

Practice 20.     The Importance of Grieving.

The dangers of failing to grieve are serious. The path of least resistance rarely gets you to life’s beautiful vistas.  How grief is different from despair. Why grieving is unpopular. How you can find the courage to buck the social stigma.

Practice 21.   69% of our problems are unsolvable problems!

Conflict is unavoidable, but how we manage it can lead us in opposite directions, dismantling a marriage or making it stronger.

We are beginning our deep dive into the Gottman’s book Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection.

Practice 22.   Learning our Conflict Styles.

Your Conflict Culture represents “your hidden rules for how to fight.”

Often we are not sharing our thoughts and feelings but expect our partners to just know how they should show up for us. 

Practice 23.   Relearning how to enter a conflict.

Is the “Adaptive Child” or the “Wise Adult” at the helm? The real work of relationships is moving beyond the automatic, adaptive child to the “relational mindfulness” of the wise adult.  This involves stopping for a brief moment and observing the thoughts, feelings, impulses that arise and choosing something different. The different thing we are choosing is an “us” consciousness instead of a “you and me” consciousness.

Practice 24.    Your turn to “Fight Right”

We are going to take turns practicing how to do conflict better.  These are skills we can develop.

Practice 25.  Your turn to “Fight Right”

We are going to take turns practicing how to do conflict better.  These are skills we can develop.

Practice 26.   Your turn to “Fight Right”

We are going to take turns practicing how to do conflict better.  These are skills we can develop.

Practice 27.    The best defense is a good offense.

Reconciling emotional intimacy differences and learning to become better friends and develop shared meaning. The heart of the matter.

Practice 28.    Parenting as a team.

Deep breath (before the plunge). How to come up for air.  

Discerning between: Child-focused families, Parent-focused families, or Family-focused families.

Practice 29.   Sexual solutions for those playing the long game.

All things sex.

Sex gets boring because you are boring.

Self-knowledge and owning our desires.

Respect for our partner.

Sex after kids. Aging bodies and sex.

Spicy because it is scheduled.

Practice 30.   Healthy sexual fantasy.

Learn to cultivate your imagination by developing your unique lust for your spouse.

Figure out what “Lust exercises” are best for you.

4. Community Integration

Lesson 31. Trapped in an individualistic culture.

A short film. Becoming an erudite observer of our social reality.

Question 32. What do you do when the village is too busy and you are on your own?

How do you discern when to accept loneliness and when fight against it?

What does community realistically look like for you now? Can you find an imperfect, semi-scattered village to belong to?

5. Creating systems for your marriage

Lesson 33.    The case for creating Systems.  Starting with (imperfect) community.  

“You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”

-James Clear, Atomic Habits.

Game Day 34.  Our systems for conflict management, negotiation, and grace. 

What tools do we want to lean on?

Dreams within a Conflict.

Who else knows us to speak into our lives and relationship? Who else cares about our marriage and will sow into its health? Do we have a good therapist?

why grace should be the reigning paradigm.

Game Day 35.  Our systems for building more emotional intimacy.

"Emotional dependency is not immature or pathological; it is our greatest strength” wrote Sue Johnson in Hold Me Tight. In concrete calendar terms, how are you going to prioritize emotional connection with your spouse so that they deeply know that you matter to them.

Game Day 36. Our systems for nurturing better sex. 

Detailing individual practices for developing personal eros and coming together to negotiate not only a vision, but a schedule for what romance looks like for us as a couple.

Game Day 37.  Our systems for balancing work and finances.

What does work and career mean to each of you?

What is the purpose of money? What has been your relationship to it in the past?

What do you want your relationship to be with it going forward?

How can you collaborate and compromise around work and finances?

Game Day 38.  Our systems for parenting children (and/or engaging parents and in-laws).

 Naming our values and our dreams. identifying areas of grieving.

creating shared dreams. developing rituals and routines to honor values and dreams.

being specific.

Game Day 39.  Our systems for on-going play and fun.

Novelty. Adventure. can it happen in west michigan???

why play gets pushed to the back burner. What can be done about it?

Playing separately and together. Fun club.

Game Day 40. Putting it all together: Our systems for pursuing shared meaning and purpose.

couples recall their vows, reflect on their credos, and formulate a vision together that encapsulates not only their intent towards each other, but their joint purpose in the world at large.

Pricing:

$185/mo per couple = $2,220 per year = $55.50 per 90 minute session.

There is a lot of psychology to consider when setting a price. It is a heuristic to associate price with quality and people tend to value something more when they have invested more into it. On the flip side we do not want this to be cost prohibitive for the average earning American couple, and have aimed for a price point that is below the cost of seeing a therapist.

We realize this still is a substantial commitment both of money and time, but the ROI on this investment is worth every penny. if you are interested please fill out the application online. we will get back with you to determine if this is a good fit and if there is availability.